High school in the early '70's was a time of personal "freedom" as a result of the
  "make love, not war" philosophy of the turbulent and controversial sixties.

  I was a typical teenage male who loved the acclaim and popularity that resulted
  from excelling in sports.  My sport of choice was lacrosse.  I had the privilege of
  playing on a great team.  Some of the perks for being a high school jock
  included girls, partying and being cool.

  Celebrating victories from the lacrosse games was an introduction to a social
  life that until then was associated with adults.  I began crossing over from what I
  thought were childish things to more grown-up interests.  I began experimenting
  with alcohol.  It helped me to celebrate more than I would have if I had stayed
  sober.  I was able to drop my inhibitions.  I was learning to become the life of the
  party.

  As I established my reputation of being a cool, good-looking, partying jock, I
  realized that this was an attraction to some of the girls in school.  I of course
  used this reputation to my advantage.

  As we continued celebrating athletic victories I went further to start partying
  every weekend whether I had an athletic event to celebrate or not.  At these type
  of gatherings I would begin to spend more time with the girls.  Unfortunately, girls
  were viewed as another type of sporting event, an arena to score points, win
  victories and attain bragging rights.  As a result of these victories my reputation
  was enhanced to include available sexually active male.  Sexual encounters
  were kept track of just like the goals I was scoring in lacrosse games.

  I eventually became involved with one particular girl who I was sexually active
  with for the last 2.5 years of high school.  Of course we thought we loved each
  other and as long as I was able to continue the physical aspects of the
  relationship, then I guess I loved her. I thought I had the best of everything during
  those days and I was having a great time.

  But then something happened in the spring of 1973 that forever changed my life,
  we became pregnant.  I was a high school junior and she a sophomore.
  Absolute panic struck me when she said she was "late".  That had happened
  before but this time it was different and I knew it.  She was feeling and looking
  different, she was experiencing noticeable changes in her physical body.  She
  was definitely pregnant this time.  No false alarm this time, this was a real fire, a
  real emergency.  I felt as though I was suffocating from the smoke from this
  situation.  I felt absolutely helpless without any options.  What could I do, I'm just
  a kid myself, I'm just in high school?  How can I be a father?  How can I raise a
  child?  How can I provide for a child when I was still dependent on getting money
  from my dad every couple of weeks?  I felt that a child cannot come into the
  world in this situation.  A child I believed must be brought into a perfect situation
  - where it is wanted, anticipated, expected, planned for and prepared for in
  advance.  It should be an experience to be shouted from the rooftops but
  instead I knew that I wanted to cover-up this situation.

  I knew if given the opportunity and the encouragement from me to keep the baby
  that my girlfriend would do just that.  I knew that what she was looking for from
  me was the leadership to take the position that we would keep the baby.
  However I felt so overwhelmed by the situation that I just had to figure out a way
  to escape from these seemingly impossible circumstances.  I had heard that
  there was a controversial person who had opened up some clinics now that
  abortion had gone legal recently from the Roe vs. Wade decision.  I checked
  around a found out that it cost about $ 200.00 for an abortion.  I had about that
  amount in my bank account.

  I began the process of pressuring my girlfriend to get the abortion.  It was a
  one-sided argument in which I knew I had to be the bad guy.  I knew it was
  wrong in my heart but I felt like this was the best way to get things back to the
  way they were.  I would eventually learn that things would never again be the
  same in my life.

  After much pressure and convincing, the decision was made to go for the
  abortion.  Now began the covert operation to get abortion without anyone in our
  families knowing.  I had to lie about the money being taken out of my bank
  account.  I had to arrange with a friend of my girlfriend to pick us up in her care
  and take us for the abortion to be performed in another county.  We had to cut
  classes for the day to make our appointment.  Then we needed to stay at this
  friend's apartment overnight so as to allow a safe recovery time nearby in case
  we needed to return to the clinic if there were any complications.  Needless to
  say the pressure and stress was enormous upon us both.

  The day of the abortion had arrived and our carefully thought out plan of death
  and deception went into action.  I cannot tell you how terrible I felt inside.  As I
  made eye contact with all parties involved that day; their eyes cut through me
  like a laser convicting me of my guilt for making the horrendous decision of this
  day.

  We arrived at the clinic early and we sat in the waiting room.  I was the only male
  present.  I can tell you that in these places males are not welcome.  You are
  made to feel that way throughout the entire process once you step inside the
  clinic.  By this point my self-respect and self-esteem were non-existent.  But
  regardless of how they made me feel I was bound and determined not to leave
  my girlfriends side.

  When her name was called, I got up and went with her.  The operators of the
  clinic tried to stop me but I let them know they weren't going to stop me.  We
  were both very scared as we stepped into the room where they would perform
  our abortion.  How I wished there was another way out of this situation.  I had this
  terrible feeling that we were being taken advantage of in some way.  The room
  was white, bright, cold, sterile, people were there with masks on and at the end
  of the operation table I could see a jar wrapped in a white towel that had a clear
  hose coming out of it.  What was that I wondered?  I wanted to run, I wanted to
  scream but I silently stood alongside the table and held my silent girlfriends hand
  tightly as if to say I am so sorry for doing this to you.  As I looked into her eyes, I
  could see the deep pain she felt and I knew that this was the beginning of the
  end of our innocent high school romance.  I also knew that I had lost her respect
 
 

  The abortion started, I watched it all and just stood by helplessly and uselessly
  holding her hand.  She cried out as she felt the pain from the suction and scraping of
  the sharp surgical instruments.  I saw what she could

  not see, red blood flowing through the clear hose that lead to the jar with the white
  towel wrapped around it.  Life was being sucked out of my girlfriend and also out of
  me I would later learn.  I almost passed out but held tightly to her hand.  The sound
  of the vacuum was loud and it felt like a dentist drill but magnified in its shrill effect.
  It finally stopped and it was over.  Now to recovery.  I didn't realize at that time that
  recovery would require both physical as well as psychological healing.  I also would
  realize later in my life that I was in need of healing as well.

  We got through the abortion without getting caught but I had the distinct feeling that
  I didn't get away with anything.  We continued our relationship, sometimes I believe
  it was out of the guilt and shame we both felt and shared.

  Life took a definite change for me after the abortion.  Whereas everything pertaining
  to life up to that point for me was fun, exciting and innocent had now turned
  decidedly serious.  Something died inside of me that day.  Everything that I was
  involved in seemed to lose that glimmer of innocence.  I was still involved in the
  partying lifestyle but now I was beginning to drink to excess and experiment with
  drugs.  I even got violent when I got drunk but not with my girlfriend.

  I had to get away from the environment I was in so I made plans to join the Air
  Force after high school.  Two months after graduation I was in basic training in
  Texas.  I continued a long distance relationship with my girlfriend.  The abortion was
  keeping us together.  We tried to keep things going but to no avail.

  In the meantime, I became a serious problem drinker and drug user.  That was my
  life, getting drunk and finding the next recreational drug available.  I hated this
  lifestyle, I hated my life, and I hated me.

  I had to run again from the environment that I had gotten myself into.  So I
  volunteered to go "world-wide" and the Air Force sent me to Fairbanks, Alaska.

  I continued with the heavy drinking and drug use in Alaska.  I was getting violent
  when I drank a lot.  I ended up getting into trouble for fighting but was told by the
  Colonel of my squadron that I had better get some help.  A month later I was trouble
  again for fighting.  This time the Colonel put me into an alcohol and drug
  rehabilitation program.

  After months of group therapy sessions with other alcohol and drug abusers, I found
  myself drying out and cleaning up, no alcohol and no drugs.  I began a serious and
  honest self-inventory of what was really going on inside of me.  What had changed to
  make me become an alcohol and drug abuser and why I was getting so violent?  One
  day it hit me like a revelation from somewhere outside of me.  The abortion!  I was so
  messed up from that horrible event that I had to suppress its negative impact by
  alcohol and drug abuse to extreme levels.  When I shared this revelation in "group"
  with the counselor, he just ignored the whole thing like it was a non-event.  I think he
  was upset that he hadn't uncovered the core of my problem and that I had done it
  without his help.  But I knew in my heart that this was my problem.

  I was tied up in knots as a person.  I became a loner because my old partying friends
  didn't trust anyone that was trying to go straight.  I guess they weren't true friends
  after all.  I also didn't have a girlfriend at that time and I guess in retrospect it was
  because I didn't want to hurt anyone else like I had hurt my girlfriend.  I stayed
  straight for about six months and then something unexpected and incredible
  happened in my life.

  On January 16, 1977, I became a Christian.  I went to church with my new Christian
  roommate in the barracks.  I heard the gospel clearly presented and responded to the
  invitation given.  When I prayed with a deacon to ask Jesus to forgive my sins, I
  asked this godly man if we could ask God to heal me of the alcohol and drug
  addictions and if he could especially forgive me for the abortion.  With tears in his
  eyes we prayed and I began an adventure and journey that continues today as a
  follower of Jesus Christ.

  I grew as a believer and eventually I had wonderful friends that replaced my old
  partying acquaintances.  I eventually met [the woman] who would become my wife.
  We had a great relationship, almost perfect we thought until we became pregnant.

  Getting pregnant soon after getting married did not turn out to be a joyous occasion
  for us.  I was very upset with what I thought was the timing.  I would later realize it
  was more than that causing my behavior.  I hurt my wife deeply but beyond that I
  think I scared her because she now realized there was a dark side of me that she did
  not know or understand.

  We eventually had our first son and then a few years later our second son was born.
  When the subject of a third child and hopefully a daughter came up, I would revert
  back to the dark personality that my wife did not know.  This truly was the only
  problem our marriage had ever experienced.

  I kept my wife on an emotional roller coaster when it came to deciding to have our
  third child.  One day I was for it, a week later I would change my mind.  I always had
  some kind of excuse, usually it centered on money.  We were a one-income family,
  struggling to make it after relocating to a state we were not from soon after I
  graduated from college.  So I used those circumstances to my advantage to get out of
  having children.

  After one of these episodes had occurred between my wife and I we became very
  quiet as was our response as I could not talk about the subject.  My response was
  withdrawing into silence.  I had tried to express myself to her in a written letter but I
  knew my words were falling flat.  I just could not overcome whatever this was and I
  hated myself for hurting my wife because I love her very much.

  Then one night my wife was going to a dinner sponsored by the Crisis Pregnancy
  Center that she was a counselor for.  This occurred during our most recent episode.
  The guest speaker was a representative from Georgia Nurses for Life, and she spoke
  about PAS - Post Abortion Syndrome.
 
 

  [My wife] came home about 10:30pm and I was waiting up for her.  She told me a
  little teary eyed, "I know what your problem is, PAS."  She explained it to me briefly
  and it made sense.  She said, "I don't know how you have been living with this all this
  time (1973 to 1989) without knowing what you're suffering from or how to overcome
  it."
 

  I felt like a burden was slowly being lifted off my back because the problem now had
  an identity, something I could face and deal with head-on.
 

  That was the beginning of my healing from the trauma of the abortion.  My soon to
  be nine year old daughter is the result of that healing process.  A few years ago, I
  went through a post-abortive male Bible study with two other men who had been
  involved in abortions.  It was a confidential Bible study lead by the married couple
  who directs the Crisis Pregnancy Center that we support.  It has been the only time
  since 1973 that I have ever talked face to face with other post-abortive males.  It was
  a time of healing for me.

  The concern that I have at this time is that for every abortion that has occurred since
  Roe vs. Wade, there is a male involved.  Much attention is directed to the women
  involved and rightfully so for the trauma and pain they experience is too deep for
  words to describe.  But there are men who are hurting in silence and unless they
  come to grips with PAS - they will continue to suffer silently and continue to hurt
  those around them unknowingly.  PAS has a negative ripple effect reaching those
  whom we love most dearly.  We can stop this negative ripple effect by educating men
  that this problem exists and can effect them as well as those women who have had
  the abortions that they were responsible for.

  I hope this true story can help one of my fellow sufferers out there to know that there
  is hope and healing.  Contact any Crisis Pregnancy Center in your area and ask for
  information concerning PAS.  They can refer you for further assistance.  Remember
  Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."  Be willing to
  let the light of truth shine on your situation and you will find liberation from the
  bondage that holds you so tightly in it's devastating grip.  God Bless You.